It could just be the diazepam circulating in my blood and messing with my brain but I think I miss the covid times when we had to stay indoors and not leave the house. That itself makes me sad because I should want to go into the outside world and be social. Not miss the days when I didn’t have to make an excuse, it was simply just, well, covid so not leaving the house today. It’s really not fair on the family around me, it’s selfish of me and that’s not good.

I used to love going outdoors and doing things. Instead, now I fear it and dread the days when I have to leave. I have a handful of safe places that I can go to. The kid’s school for collection (I hide in the car), the pet food store, the petrol station, and the pharmacy. I can push myself sometimes and go and collect shopping from the collection point at the supermarket. I can walk the dogs but never lift my eyes from the pavement and rush along so no one sees me.

Truth be told. I hate it. I really really do. This time last year I had carers coming into the house to keep my company and try and take me outside. It worked but for several reasons, I contacted the council and stopped the home help. It really doesn’t help your self-esteem when you have care workers looking after you. I wish I could have that excitement again of going shopping and looking at all the food on the shelves instead of on an app. I wish I could jump in the car and drive somewhere and not freak out about stuff.

It could just be the diazepam. But, I miss the times when I didn’t need to excuse myself all the time. Like a crutch.