Hello.
It’s been a few days since I last posted. I just wasn’t feeling it when trying to put thoughts onto paper. Well. Computer screen. You get the idea. Things are a bit better now. I still don’t feel right but nowhere near as bad as I was. I can manage to sit, stand and walk. I can also talk without too much slur unless I am stressed. There are some things that I will need to accept. One of them is that this will happen again when I don’t know, but it will be something to live with. Secondly, the strain that this has placed on the family will never be the same again and is now subject to terms of a “review” in September to see if I can stay in the family.
I’m not sure what to call what happened. Technically my central nervous system spasmed and caused stroke-like effects on my body which has taken ages to process and heal. There is no medication I can take for it, nor is there any treatment that I can undertake. I can try and find out what caused the spasm in the first place but they are indicating that stress has a significant effect. Which I didn’t know. I didn’t think that something mental could affect something physical in that way. The strange sounds I make seem to come along when I’m stressed. This is new, something that has only been a few months old. I can’t control it but if questioned about it makes me do it more. If I get racing thoughts then it happens constantly.
Must be a stress-related thing then. So avoid high-stress situations in a house with two teenagers, two dogs who bark randomly, and yeah. On top of all that doesn’t make for a stress-free life. I don’t think I’ll find the solution by hiding from it and leaving which leaves me the option of coping skills. I’ll need to do some Googling and see what is out there. The CMHT team has been in touch and they are trying to prioritize psychotherapy which so helped me in the past. That’s one thing. I need a few. Meditation helps but not at the moment something stress-related happens, only after, and then it’s really hard. So I need to find a stress reliever that works quickly and I can use it at the point of it occurring or thereabout. Medication. I could take a valium the moment it happens but then it would also zone me out. Unless I take a small amount, 2mg per event? multiple events in one day could be an issue, there would have to be a limit. The most you can take is around 30mg in one day, so I would be popping the 2mgs like sweets but it could in theory work. The problem then is tolerance levels would rapidly rise up and render it useless. It could though, work in the short term while I wait for treatment from the hospital’s mental health team. Possible. Will need to call the dr and check if that’s an acceptable solution.
I’m now struggling with thoughts of the following nature:
- Usefulness. D has automated the household to the point where it can survive without me. This was done, I hope, in kindness, not malice. I now struggle to think about what I can provide the household besides being useless and unnecessary.
- What is the point of all this? Verging on existential problems. Actually no it’s 100% an existential problem.
- This list is shorter than I expected it to be. I’ll take that as a good thing.
So my list is pretty much how to contribute to the household, find my place in the world, and understand why we exist.
In a nutshell.