I’m back. I’ve had my little sulk and feeling sorry for myself but that is over now. I know the words weren’t said in malice but in no way did that detract from the painfulness of the words. I’ve decided not to tell the person involved because, well, I took the insult that wasn’t meant and forgive them in my absence.

The heat is still here! I have proclaimed so many times I’m not a fan of the heat but omg it has to go. It’s just a constant heat all day, every day for the past 4-5 days. I can cope during the day but at night time, it’s just awful. I never understood why Britain is always lagging behind other countries, Most modern countries have air conditioning but no. Not Britain. We have to be different and treat it as an extravagance. Maybe that’s down to the climate here. But if warmer summers are going to be hitting us every year then I can see a massive rise in sales! Must remember to buy shares in air conditioning companies in the UK.

I’ve spent Friday to Saturday at Doti’s house with the kids. There was a huge argument at 10 a.m. about noise. Ben is over-sensitive again with this dysphonia. I hate that condition. I truly do. So he was screaming because Suzi was on call with her friends. So went to check with Suzi and she was on Netflix. Asked her to put in headphones as it was late and got a whole load of abuse and a door being slammed in my face. I cannot begin to describe the anger one feels as a door is slammed in one’s face. Fuck me. I lost my temper and proceeded to explain I would rip the door off, followed by trying to punch through the door till there was silence. Headphones had gone in. Internet access is cut off at 11 pm on non-school nights and apart from Ben coming down in the middle of the night for a glass of water and a hug, it passed with ease. I forgot how much heat the house holds. Faced with the demonic bone-twisting sofa it took me ages to fall asleep. Then I remembered I hadn’t taken my evening meds so was out like a lamp after taking them.

I’m guessing most people can read behind the lines when Doti doesn’t come back till the next day, that she isn’t staying at her mums like I tell the kids. It’s an odd feeling. The person you love is staying over at her boyfriend’s house whilst you sleep in a house steeped in memories of the relationship you had. Still loving this person who you would do anything for, your wife still legally, has a boyfriend. Your thoughts constantly annoy you with regret and pain. You know there is nothing you can do about it but just plod on. Just when you think you have it covered. Boom. Can you stay over while I go to my boyfriend’s house? Yeah thanks, see you later. Ugh. I’ll get over it. Just feels weird and wrong for me at the moment.

I was depressed about everything Friday night. Probably contributed to the now bruised knuckles on both hands. Then didn’t sleep well at the house and when I got back to the motel I was distraught. I called the mental health crisis line and spoke to them for what seemed like an hour. They called me back a couple of times to make sure I was okay. I took a bunch of PRN meds, which is what they are there for, fell asleep, watched MasterChef and managed to schedule a couple of posts on here.

I’m still pretty low at the moment but plans to end my life are on pause. I’ve decided to work through and the pros & cons have helped. It’ll just take a few days and some space if that’s even possible. I have my consultant and CPN on Monday, and right after that, I have to go back to the house. That will trigger and the whole fucking week will be groundhog day. I have work to do for the charity almost every day of the week, next week, as there is a backlog of device requests I need to unblock.

I’ve missed out on seeing Rebecca today because of the depressed stuff. She’s the one person who has never seen me at my worst. I just don’t have it in me to be normal today. Which makes it even all the worse. Next weekend. Next Sunday. Things should be better by then. In the meantime, I’ll do some posts as that helps me 😊