I’m staring at a white screen again. I keep going from screen to coffee to spotify and then back to screen again. I can’t focus on one thing for too long it seems. More than likely due to being triggered last night. I had bad dreams again. I think I caused it myself from writing out a complete history of significant mental health events. The logic behind such a document is to find and accquire some private help to talk a few things through to see if I can unpick a ball of crap in my head, of which I am currently stuck in a loop.

The loop is amazing. It goes normal, clarity, anxiety, crap, anxiety, PRN, clarity, retrigger. Okay so maybe not so much a loop but it stinks of one. I’m trying to work on the triggers but its hard as I get overwhelmed and go mute about things. I think its noticable when I dont speak much or focus to much on another persons interests rather than mine. Not a self less act but a good way to hide.

I ended up taking thorazine on Friday which knocked me for six. I couldn’t walk because of it. I hate it. It works with resetting but fuck me the half life it causes you to have for a day or two post taking is so rough. I suppose thats why its not used that frequently any more as its quite an old medication to use comparitively speaking to the newer anti-psychotics.

Anyway.

I had an amazing Christmas and New Year. We went away for a few days over Christmas up to Scotland and built a nest in a lovely house on a farm. I got to play with the fire everyday which brings back memories, which I loved. We had a fantastic family meal (granted B had to have headphones on due to sound processing issues) but it was fantastic. We played Monopoly till the small hours and the kids got their presents early!

We ended up opening them just past midnight on Christmas eve which was a good idea as it meant we could all sleep in for a change on Christmas morning. I was sad that I didnt get to sleep in the same bed as D as someone had to stay with the dog downstairs as she wasnt allowed up.

It wasn’t without issues. B managed to loosen the tap in the bathroom so the fixture shot off in the air and full mains water fired everywhere. Que screaming from B, we both ran. I held it down with my hand while D went to get the owner as we couldn’t find the stock cock. D tripped and fell over while trying to get help so she was covered in mud and hurt an already injured ankle. We almost went to hospital it was that bad. Owner came and fixed everything, mopped up and cranked up the underfloor heating to dry it out. BUT wait theres more. First hour of arriving S managed to drop her phone on the floor which destroyed the screen. 13 year old with a broken phone. The world ended for her in that moment.
Then the dog started getting “the fear” whilst being walked due to some hawks flying about. D had to wait three hours for our shopping at Asda because, well, fuck wits.

But despite all that, I can safely say, best Christmas ever. I got a switch too. So now I can play with B, S and R on animal crossing. Although I havent stopped playing Pokemon Arceus yet because its awesome. I also got an army of pokemon go cards. D got some pleasure out of it as I let her open them whilst I placed them in OCD like order and put them in my new folder. I’m fully aware an adult playing with cards is weird. But you know. Fuck off haters. Makes me happy.

Oh and got covid again. So that was twice in December. Maybe I should think about the booster. It think I only had two. Then they started harrassing me to get the boosters but no, of course I know better and yep. Twice. It was terribly annoying. Its the sore throat and lethargy that I hate from it. Especially being lethargic as it reminds me of unhappier times back in 2012 when I was sedated so much I was sleeping in my car during breaks at work.

D is really stressed at the moment, something I wish I could make better for her but aside from running the household (barely) I dont think there is anything I can do. She is doing teacher training which is pretty intense. So burying myself in house work when am able, hopefully helps a little bit.

I also have a new chair. This might seem trivial to you dear reader but christ talk about a massive upgrade! Its like sitting on a cloud. AND the arm rests have padding which is something you dont appreciate till you get it. I could happily sit here for hours. So hopefully that means more time sat at the desk working, or reading or just sitting and listening to music.

I do however need to find some edibles to test a theory about the loop cycle. Sure there is somewhere online for gummy bear goodness to help.