Sleep. A fundamental part of all of us, great and small. Can’t live without it but these days I can’t live with it. I think it all started a few days ago. Might of been a week. Horredous nightmares reliving past trauma resulting in really poor sleep, waking up in a sweat or moving alot in my sleep. I wake up triggered by these horrible images burned into my brain. I have a vague memory of Nightmare on Elm St, where there was a drug which stopped you dreaming which was working to keep Freddy from killing you in your sleep. I would like that drug please. Happy to sleep but even happier to forgo dreams. I’ve tried decompressing my mind before and meditating, then controlled breathing and then even trance work with hemi-sync music but oh no. Thats not good enough for my brain.

It could be from the anxiety I’ve been carrying these past few weeks. I don’t remember when it got messed up again. But I’m not a believer in not sleeping at all, or until D pesters me enough to go to sleep. The doctor diagnosed me with night terrors, prescribing valium at night to help. Problem with valium is your tolerance level. I’ve been on them for years without changing the dose, so I’m guessing they aren’t as a effective as they once were. I ended up taking two today after lunch to try and quell the building anxiety. Anxiety over sleeping. Its a circle again. Loop. Whatever you want to call it. I think trying to get my point to exhaustion might work and will try it tonight if the dreams happen again.

SO my big theory is, stay up till like 3am then wake up as normal at 6.30am and repeat for a week therefore hopefully being too tired to have bad dreams. Okay maybe not the best theory I’ve come up with for a while but I’m desperate.

I’m missing my parents as well. I shouldn’t but I do. I shouldn’t because of the all the bad stuff but still, they were my parents and I loved them both in my own way. I keep thinking they are watching me do stuff and that they are proud. No secrets in death. No regrets. Just keeping them alive in my mind. Which is all you can do really I suppose. But yes, its nice to think they drop in once in a while to see how I am. I do suffer from delusions, so long as I dont crack open the ouija board in the attic I should be safe with that one getting any worse.

Anyways. I think that’ll do for today and I’ll go catch some pokemon on the switch.

Psyduck. That is all.