I was going to do a QOTD but need to do some typing therapy. So, there was a saga with my meds not turning up on time, only a couple that I needed were missing from the several I take. I started a new increase in meds on Monday which ruined the first part of the week. It took ages for the meds to come through and I missed the delivery so was without for 48hrs which has caused me some pain issues. It was nice though when D collected them, despite some BS that she is going through at the moment. BS is some shit that went down at her work. I took the meds and felt instantly better. The problem is I’m having side effects, whenever I move my head it feels like electric shocks going off. Not tazer proportion shock but enough to bring your shoulders up and clench.

I also realized I had the curtains closed almost every day this week. D noticed when she came home early yesterday. It became a comfortable habit to just block myself at home to feel safe I suppose.

I’ve also secretly been taking out certain meds namely (propranolol, cyclizine & pro banthine) because I had this brain wave that the beta blocker was slowing my heart down and making me fatter, the cyclizine because it interacts with my other meds and pro banthine that stops sweat because of fear of it making me retain water thus fatter.

So I’m starting to think that since I’m still fat the experiment has failed, might as well go back on them and just work on my social problems and self-sabotage instead. I read this amazing thing about how self-harm isn’t just cutting lines along your arms, it can be missing meds, taking more meds, and things in that vein. I never considered that before. If I look back I can comfortably say there have been several times I’ve taken small-batch overdoses in response to punishing myself.

Interesting theory and way of looking at it, so I will watch out for more in the future.

The problems with B have gotten worse. He has dysphonia, well we are working with the school SEN & doctors to get a referral to CAMHS for assessment. There was an appointment this morning that D attended which ended with my messaging the GP to let them know and for them to send the referral through to the hospital. The school is putting things in place to try and help him. The dysphonia means B’s fight or flight response kicks in when he hears disagreeable noises such as people chewing also people moving or twitching their legs or heavy breathing.

It has taken an immense toll on the family so we are invested in making this easier for him in any way that we can. We have headphones, earplugs, and white noise. It’s sad to say that I had to acquire inhalers to try and see if that would stop my loud breathing. I even started taking shit tons of anti-congestion tablets for the past two weeks to see if that would help. It didn’t. He still screamed at me for breathing. He’s not himself when he has that. I just keep telling myself that. It was so horrible one day I took a mouthful of pills to an overdose level with a liver as buggered as mine. I actually have done that twice now with the way he behaves towards me. It scary throws up anxiety and makes me feel ashamed to be alive because if I wasn’t here, it would partially solve the problem, which is all I want for him.

D must have felt it too when she joked about a suicide pact.

It’s hard. S has ASD and now Ben is with his thing, then throw my crap into the mix, and then D has anxiety/depression and it’s a whole shit show of everything never being normal. Can’t go out to eat with the kids as ben will freak out, I’ll have a panic attack and run back to the car. Then I can always take a pill to calm down, the rest of the family cannot.

We are going to try some recommended techniques with B tonight. Have him stay in the same room as I and D eat for one minute. He can do anything he wants to cope with (coping skills, fidget toys) but needs to last a minute. Then we do that three times a day during the weekend and once a day during the week. The logic is that it makes things worse if we just give into in. He has to be reprogrammed and forced to cope with the issue without getting violent. My only problem with this is, it sounds like a cruel punishment to expose someone to something which forces them into a horrible situation. I guess you have to weigh up the pros and cons.

Hopefully, it won’t be for nothing and it will help him have a normal life. And maybe I can stop punishing myself for it because for sure I know tonight I’ll swallow a few more strips.