I think I am doing better. I had a really rough night, nightmares spinning around my head, couldn’t wake up from them. Woke up covered in sweat again. It seems that the medication I take to stop sweating doesn’t work on nightmares. If there are no nightmares then I wake up without a drop on me. It could just be pure coincidence though. Besides the rough night, I haven’t had many intrusive thoughts which is great. It’s almost peaceful up there, the only problem now is that I don’t want to go to sleep again (yes I’m like a petulant child) because I might have the dreams again.

Okay so honestly? they are more terrors than nightmares as I’m reliving things that happened to me when I was younger. I’m trapped in the cycle and can’t break free. Remember the nightmare on elm street, when the kids were in the hospital and they were given pills to stop them dreaming. Those. I need those pills. I have cash waiting!

Let’s put the dreary to one side for a moment. I have this opportunity to run a small business that could be successful via Shopify. I can sort the SEO, ads, and a plethora of other things needed to get it started like the other businesses but it needs an outlay which would require drawing on savings. Something I know I can’t do because the money saved is for the kids during school holidays for going on day trips or a couple of nights somewhere different. It’s a good business idea, but there is a risk associated with it, ie. it would fail. I’m trying to think of other ways to sort it. It’s stupid, the crux of the problem is an online store. Shopify is an easy route but with pushing $50 a month, on top of all the other bits I’ll need to do, it’s not feasible. Does anyone on here have any ideas on a decent online store to use? I use sum up for all my invoicing and online payments for the main business but I want this completely separate.

Could I be any vaguer?

TLDR: Do I know any online store wizards who can recommend a good one to get started with, that’s fast, easy to use, and doesn’t eat all my time. I could make one in php I suppose but it’s the time element as it’ll impact other things. Preferably hosted somewhere, although I have the in-house server, it’s hosting a few other things and is blocked from the outside world at present.

Even my TLDR was long.

hmm. Typing it out helps. Lets me think. But then thinking is bad. Unless I obsess about it. I could generate some quick cash and put it to one side and use that, then if it fails it has minimum impact. Yard sale? probably not the best idea where I live.

Other things.

I’m still abstinent on alcohol which is great. I still get a little sad when I think that I ruined such a long streak but as people have said, dust yourself off and get back to it. So I plod along. I still desperately want a drink but I can see where it would be heading again if I did. I know I would lose D and the kids so best to keep that in mind and use it as motivation. I’m quite proud that I’ve managed to restart at the same time. I’ll make a game of it and see how long I can beat.

I also need to cut back on vaping as my chest is killing me again whenever I do it. I’ve changed the filters but I still end up really breathless and with my chest aching. I would love to stop it cold turkey but I rely on it too much. I came off the cigarettes about a decade ago, then switched to patches, then onto vaping. The messed-up logic here is amazing. I stopped smoking because it was too expensive, then I stopped the patches as that was expensive then I went to vaping because it’s really cheap and costs me £5 a week on vapes. To then go back to patches to give my lungs a break. Madness.

I’ll probably come back here later and have another mindless vomit of information into a blank page on the screen.