So. D and the kids are off camping, they set off on Saturday for 9 days of camping all around Scotland. I’m here, at home with the dogs, unsupervised.

The occupational therapy nurse came today and I managed to get up off the sofa with one hand and not face-planting. They still want me to use two sticks. Something I am totally adverse to. We hobbled around the house with two sticks, I couldn’t quite work out how to do it but she said if I don’t think about the rhythm (left foot, right stick) then I seem to be doing okay. Did all the fun exercises in the kitchen such as testing my balance and such. I thought I would get away with her coming in a week but alas, no, Friday.

I am making progress. I managed to take both dogs out yesterday but almost keeled over halfway around the block with back pain. Guessing it’s because I’ve not been moving much due to the walking issues. So in theory should get better the more I do it. I’ll do the little exercises they left me and build my strength faster. I’ll take them to the green space which is less than 50m from the house. Keep doing that until I can try the block walk again.

I’m trying to keep myself busy while I’m on my own. Namely, cleaning and doing the washing. You know, thrilling things like that. Still sleeping on the sofa. I think it would be weird to sleep in what is now D’s room. I struggle to go in to get fresh clothes as it is.

It’s still bothering me, a couple of weeks ago I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance but there is nothing but a massive gap from not being able to get up from the bed. Then a doctor told me I had an FND attack but it’s passing so I can go home at 3am. So I’m missing 9pm to 3am. I have no idea, no images, no fragments absolutely nothing. D said that three ambulances turned up. When I suddenly came back to normal at 3am and was told I can leave, I booked an Uber and then noticed that I wet myself. Made for a lovely trip back from the hospital. Poor taxi driver. It just bothers me having gaps in my memory. It does happen from time to time but not for such long periods. Was I talking to people? Did I behave? Just what the hell was I doing, was I in a seizure? Short of requesting a report from A&E it will always remain a mystery. It’s just scary you know, I could have killed someone and not even remembered any part of it, it’s THAT blank.

I’m seeing this 9-day isolation as practice for when I move out to my own place. This looks promising after having several interviews with the local council who are now looking for supported accommodation for me, or level access so ground floor flats and houses. So I’ve managed to sort out the kitchen and part of the lounge. It’s tidy it just needs crap put back to where it came from. In the packing madness, it looked like a twister hit the house.

The experiment.

Upon D & the kids leaving I broke all the rules which usually apply when kids or D is here. It was quite the achievement but figured I needed to get it out of my system. I won’t be going into too many details but let’s say it took a fear & loathing style affair. With that out of the way, I have started structuring today. I’ve been working as well, which I shouldn’t do as Mondays and Fridays belong to me, not charity.

I gathered all the unopened Pokemon packs, super Mario packs, DC packs… All of them. Stared at them for a few minutes and put them all back unopened. I have a theory. I had them delivered just before the stroke FND crap started. That and usually I open them with D as she always enjoyed opening them. I was more into sorting them out and putting them away. Since things with D have broken down I guess the packets now represent something sad in my life and I can’t open them. Stupid but might just be correct. The thought of her opening them with me fills me with joy but then I remembered she really won’t do that ever again and I’ll lose that feeling and now when I think about it, it feels like a frikking punch to the stomach.

Think I’ll play a game. To diablo or Russian fishing. The agony of choice. Oh, wait. I need to put more washing on. So many towels.