So looking back on my life the past few weeks has become a bit troubling. The sleep things. They are by far the most annoying thing happening at this moment in time. Although it’s not sleep. And it’s not being awake either. It’s a nothing existence. I go to bed. I sleep for 8 hours. I wake up. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I’m falling asleep sitting on the sofa, mid-conversation, bathroom, and eating. It’s like I have never slept and it is absolutely killing me. It feels like I should get relief but I don’t. I spend the whole day daydreaming before being nudged.

I’m losing D.

I’m losing the kids.

They can’t take this shit anymore and it’s pretty clear that I have no life. I wake, I stay wake, I sleep and so it repeats. I don’t go out with the kids anymore, I don’t go to fun events or socials. I just literally do nothing but be in pain from not sleeping. I find it so hard to stay awake I have to move or shake a body part to distract myself.

D wants me to go to a&e but I’ve had it instilled in me from a very young age that unless your limb has been detached or your are is broken, you simply must suffer in silence rather than waste the doctor’s time. The only exception to that rule was when I overdosed back in 2016 and ended up in hospital for a few days. That was hell. Let’s not repeat that.

I don’t want to die. I think I like torturing myself with existing. Death would be a sweet release for the worthy. And that I sincerely am not. So If I’m not going to die and I have to live a half-life I will dedicate it to helping D with the kids & dogs till a replacement andy 2.0 can be delivered. She is absolutely stunning so there will be no shortage of suitors.