Okay. I’ll try and empty my mind as to what was said on Saturday night and how I feel about it. We were in bed, and I was getting wound up again by things wondering why they are happening. D said “I wouldn’t blame you if you did kill yourself with everything that is going on, you know I wouldn’t feel bad if you did it” partial paraphrase as it was Saturday. It made me sad. I don’t know why but I can’t get that out of my head. The BPD kicked in on that one. If D said it’s okay then why don’t you go and do it. But the kicker is, I really don’t want to. I haven’t been properly suicidal in over a year, I haven’t made any attempts on my life and generally try and make my life worthwhile. Like working with different charities to then help other people. I am happy with my little world that I created. Or we created more like. It feels like an attack. Like throwing in the towel because of the shite I carry on my back. I have that stuff on my back but I decided to not let it stop me. That I will carry on and that I will be a productive part of society and a father to my kids.
I’m maybe reading too much into it. You could look at it and say “You’ve got all this stuff going on so o wouldn’t b… No there isn’t actually a different way. Not that I see.
Unless I become a burden or hindrance I won’t do anything. I can’t leave B without a dad and I can’t leave D, I love her too much for that. It’s sad that she knows the suicide plan, what will happen, and what to do. We had to talk about that. We had to talk about a lot of things. The sacrifices she has made to be with me, the life she would have without me.
Ugh. All I do is moan on the blog. Next post. Cheerful.
8 responses to “Everything is beautiful”
I don’t know you, but the fact that you try to make life worthwhile and consider other people, such as when you’re working with charities, thinking about your kid, your partner, and the fact that you are a fighter against all the challenges you’ve faced in your time and still do suggests you’re a good person and you have a conscience and you are worthy of a good life. To Quote Charles Bukowski: If you’re losing your soul and you know it, then you’ve still got a soul left to lose…Or in other words, you’re not soulless. So when you feel at your lowest ebb, remember that and hold onto your soul, the truth of who you really are rather than what mental health and life have told you to be. Everyone is ultimately worthy of a life of purpose and peace of mind, that includes you. It just takes some of us a lot more time and effort to get to where we truly want and deserve to be. I don’t believe suicide is ever the answer, although I do appreciate how dark things can get and how tempting it can be at times I mean really it’s the darkest place anyone can go, and I’ve been there. But it’s ok to moan or be genuinely sad; it’s just as valid as happiness. It makes you human.
Thank you. Genuinely from the bottom of my heart.
You’re very welcome.
I gotta tell you there are people who claimed to care about me that wished I’d died by suicide because it would have been so much easier for them. Their secrets would have remained secrets and as an added bonus they could invoke the sympathy card and get lots of attention. No secret is worth being suicidal. Anger has been my healer. I hope you are finding what will heal you, because being compliant ain’t it.
Thanks for the comment. I’ll keep soul-searching for that answer, one day I’ll find my healer.
A) your friend may have been projecting so ask her specifically if she/he is thinking about ending their lives. B) never underestimate the hole your absence would leave in the lives of others. I don’t know you and I like reading your blog. I for one would miss you if you weren’t here blogging, and I’m just a nobody from the colonies, imagine how much those you truly know you would be devastated by your absence.
Thank you for your advice and thoughts. Also for reading the blog. I don’t intend on dying any time soon, I might flirt with the idea but I wouldn’t flounce. It’ll just be done. But thank you for what you’ve said.
I’m glad to hear that. The world is a beautiful place and better with you in it.