So, it’s been a while since I posted anything. Sorry about that. I had to take a few days to clear my headspace, which has worked wonders I must say. That was sarcastic, I did nothing apart from be suicidal. I reached out for help and got some. I had a seizure this morning. It only lasted a few minutes, but my central nervous system is playing hell today. Just constant jerks of the hands. Which I must say while holding a cup of tea, my laptop feared for its life. Such an annoying after effect. I ended up sitting on my right hand as that was the culprit. Could still feel it twinging but it’s okay now. I would love to know how this all started. That something can just ‘go wrong’ and that’s it your landed with a thing, disorder whatever and that’s your life now. You must learn the triggers. Thank god in a way that I was already messed up with BPD, so I knew the basics of identifying a trigger or even knowing what one was, otherwise I’d be totally lost.
It’s annoying that I have both things though. If I’m not suicidal, self-harming or emotionally available, then I’m passing out, zoning out and have seizures. To have them both in the same 24-hour period is difficult for. I’m sure everyone else out there can cope, but I’m struggling. I know that in a matter of weeks I will be in my dream house when they finish the electrics and that I’ll be very happy there. At the same time, I also realise that it’s going to be same shit different day and that I will still need to prepare for it happening. Therefore, living with it seems the only logical explanation so I’ll do some more research. Bard (google AI) has taken a beating the past two days with suicidal ideation. It detects it from the questions you are asking, so it includes a prewritten response of go and seek help, here are some phone numbers. But if you phrase things differently you can some seriously messed up stats and information out of it. I’m not going to post on here what I’ve been searching for. I wouldn’t like to be the one who throws you down the rabbit hole.
Nice to see that not content with one war, let’s start another in the middle east. Guessing here in the UK, we have spread ourselves thin with ammunition so we can’t follow blindness the US and donate to the cause. I don’t really do politics, sides, and general argumentative statements on here. Simply because I was just love people stop killing each other. Theres big business involved in killing so it’s not something that can be stopped. I often think of the world, how would I judge the human race. If anyone from a different angle saw the earth, would they judge all of us as a blood thirsty species? Or many we get lucky, and they look at a nice suburb somewhere with a nice fence around, a gated community. Anyways, enough of that before I get dragged into an argument. I’m in the pro-USA & special relationship that we have with them camp.
I was up at 3am this morning as I just rage-quit life at 8pm thinking ‘Fuck it, today can just stop’. It was nice being up so early music blaring on the headphones, but the one annoyance is that I can’t boil the kettle to make a cup of tea. This for us brits is a crazy situation, so I sat there waiting till 7am before I could use the kettle to not wake or anger the general population in the motel (the walls are very thin. Talking two slabs of plaster board sealed together to separate the rooms. Remember advert years ago, it was Nike or something or other where they could run through the walls of a building. Pretty much this place.
Frikkin seizures’ because I have a strategic meeting, whatever that is, with all my support people across all agencies meeting at once to discuss me and how my case is doing. Peter, one of the social workers explained that its nothing to worry about, that I don’t have to attend if I didn’t want to, we agreed yesterday that I’ll join through teams and do it that way. He also said I can leave at any time too. It’s at 3pm and will last an hour. I’m nervous about it, especially with everyone joining in. I think the only thing that I can ask for is some support with care, staying here for another few weeks and that’s about it really. I know my psychotherapy will start soon which is great that they’ve FINALLY done something about it.
I’ll go and pace the room till 3pm.
